


for all the times where you don't exist.

by nui (cogito)



Category: Kagerou Project, Mekakucity Actors
Genre: ITS A DEATH FIC, M/M, Reincarnation fic, Suicide, au: 25 lives by tongari
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-25
Updated: 2015-03-25
Packaged: 2018-03-19 13:09:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 8
Words: 4,657
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3611226
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cogito/pseuds/nui
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>25 lives au; shintaro and haruka only remember each other when they’re on the verge of death.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> cross-posted from my writing blog on tumblr and dumped here for convenience and archival purposes! if you haven't read tongari's 25 lives yet, you should do that immediately for context: http://s2b2.livejournal.com/142934.html

Haruka leans against his rocking chair, eyes closed as he hums along to the song on the radio. It’s peaceful today, as always, if not a little boring. A moment later, the boy opens his eyes as the wind blows in to pull his chair inside. His eyes light up as a strange figure seems to clamber out on to his yard, and Haruka lets go of his book and his rocking chair to give the stranger a wave.

The other, dressed to the nines in black, should have been a warning sign, but something at the back of his head said it was fine, that the other was nothing to be scared of. Black eyes look out from under shaggy bangs, and a smile spreads on his lips that was more predatory than safe. Haruka doesn’t back down, although his head is starting to hurt now for no reason at all. He stumbles backwards when the headache intensifies, taking steps into the house as the stranger’s pace quickens. 

Haruka collapses over a pair of ill-positioned magazines. Not his, he recalls, Takane’s’s gaming magazines. The other brandishes a knife, shiny and silver in the light. Before Haruka can react, however, it’s deeply thrusted into his stomach, and Haruka catches glimpses of his blood splattering against the books, his canvas, Takane’s playstation.

He gasps, taking in deep breaths as the headache fades, ebbing and flowing with the pain rippling in his stomach. For some reason, the other is shaking as Haruka’s warm blood spills over him. Haruka smiles weakly, whispering in his dying voice, “Shintaro, hey. It’s nice to see you again. Where have you been?” He closes his eyes and bites his lip, unsure of what to say now that he remembers everything. Instead, he catches the confusion reflected on his killer’s eyes, and the deeply traumatized lines on his face. The boy sighs, reaching upwards with failing hands to try to transfer the last of his warmth to Shintaro, who’s so, so cold.  
He’s trying to hold himself up for a moment longer, to try and reveal everything, but decides against it at the last moment. 

He can’t bring himself to kiss Shintaro if the other doesn’t even remember.

For a moment, he thinks, what if this is the last time? 

Then he looks upwards at Shintaro, hands still clenched around the knife in his stomach, trembling as he tries to pull it out to plunge it in a second time.

In that span of time, Haruka smiles, touches Shintaro’s cheeks, brushing his bloody fingers over Shintaro’s black locks and apologizes for dirtying his clothes and apologizes for his stupidity, that he’s going on ahead, that he’s sorry, and that they’ll see each other again.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> police au chapter; shintaro is a police officer (sniper) and saving haruka from a criminal.

He supposes it shouldn’t be very surprising to realize, while he’s gripping Haruka’s hands with his blood streaming down his fingers and off the corner of his lip, that he’s dying. Haruka cries over him, his tears spinning into his open wounds like machine gun shells and his voice a desperate howl with little whimpers in-between. Shintaro tries very hard to pretend that it doesn’t hurt when the salt from his tears mingle with his blood. He fails, Haruka cries even more.

Haruka clutches his hands, begging for Shintaro to stay a little longer, and the waterworks only get worse from then on. Shintaro sighs in that classic Shintaro-way, between relief and sadness as he tries to hold eye contact with Haruka before his time is up. _The ambulance is on its way,_ Haruka says, although Shintaro has to read his lips to make out his words. It looks like his hearing is the first thing to go out this time. 

He tries to reconnect the dots that landed him in this situation. Enemy bullets, not being able to anticipate the enemy sniper’s crosshairs on him, and half jumping, half tumbling out of the second floor balcony. As he thinks about that, he’s surprised he didn’t die from the pain itself instantly.

It’s not all bad though; Shintaro decides as he replays his life in his head, he’s relieved that Haruka likes him back, even if they never even shared a kiss. They held hands, but he was always scared with Haruka being older but more inexperienced that he might have gone a little too far. Shintaro sighs again as Haruka hugs him, mumbling things that he can’t hear, staining his own _Halo_ jersey (that was actually Shintaro’s, the sniper realizes, he let Haruka borrow it when they were both trapped by the rain one day), red with blood.

Everything was connected from the start. He should have known, really, because everything in his life made sense with that in mind. Why he was attracted to Haruka, why Haruka never stopped throwing himself in danger for him, why Takane and Ayano never stopped trying to push them together.

It’s a shame that he didn’t realize it sooner, they could have done more with their lives. But that’s how their lives work, they only realize things a little too late. The last time he remembered was in a situation like this too, wasn’t it, where Haruka hugged him even though his blade was in Haruka’s ribs? Haruka never stopped apologizing then for something that wasn’t even his fault but Shintaro’s stupid acts of irrationality. He doesn’t remember why now, just remembers that it was something stupid.

Shintaro coughs, gurgling his own blood as it filling in his throat. His vision is fading now, and the sensations of Haruka’s warmth against him are numb, tingling feelings he barely registered as real.

They’re a little older in this life, Shintaro remembers. Both of them graduated university to truly begin life as adults. Haruka’s not sick in this life, either. He smiles. 

It could be the best Haruka’s going to get.

Shintaro decides that he likes Haruka as an adult, too. Although to be honest, he’d like Haruka even if he was a dog. He laughs, and chokes on his own blood.

He frees his hand from Haruka’s grasp, and smears it against Haruka’s cheek, a bloody thumb mark trailing the expanse between his lips and his jaw.  
“Sorry,” Shintaro murmurs, voice like glass pushed to its limits before shattering into innumerable pieces, “I’ll be going on ahead this time.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dialovers au;

When he remembers that he’s supposed to be one, Haruka promptly decides doesn’t like the lives where he’s split into three. Brother, they call him in voices different pitches from his own, and he had to call them back that way even though he’s only one who knows. The memories are fragmented, and only a third (or half, if he’s lucky) ever returns to him when he dies. He doesn’t remember everything, only remembers that he loves Shintaro as if they’ve been destined to be together from the start of the world.

He hates it even more when Shintaro loves one of them more than he loves him. Haruka chews on his lips until they bleed until Shintaro turns around to look at him and smile at him. He chews on his nails, too, pulling gloves over his hands to pretend that he’s fine and that Shintaro can keep on doing whatever it is he does in this mansion. Then they sneak in during his time with Shintaro and slide their hands all over Shintaro’s body that belongs to him and complain that it’s mealtime and Haruka starves them and doesn’t fulfill his duties.

He obliges to the bare minimum of his responsibilities. After all, the only person that should be with Shintaro in the first place is himself. No one should even be allowed to see Shintaro without his permission. Being the head of the family isn’t enough, even if he sets down, they still disobey and they go against his words without a second consideration.

That’s why it wasn’t enough to simply command them to stop.

Of course it makes sense to him sometime later after his urges are dealt with, when his ‘brothers’ are lying curled on the floor with nails in their hearts, throats and joints, that this is the only way it should be. When Shintaro slips in, asking if Haruka needs any help, the vampire only smiles, waving his hand a little as he gets to his feet, sliding his arms around Shintaro’s waist, pulling him closer and pressing his cold lips against Shintaro’s neck.  
The memories come flowing back into him, gushing like the blood in Shintaro’s veins. He stumbles back, letting go, crumpling to the floor under the mental duress and clutches his head, screaming for some explanation for anything, everything. Shintaro’s hands on him barely feel even real as his emotions rage inside him. The dizzying nausea in his head urges him to vomit. He doesn’t and swallows instead.

Then he forgets the memories for a brief, slight moment to carefully climb to his feet. Shintaro’s hands are on his chest, and he remembers being excited that Shintaro is returning his feelings—before the silver is pushed into his chest so gently that he barely feels it if not for the violent allergic reaction that sends him reeling against the ground.

Shintaro’s tears are wet and hot against Haruka’s hands. Then the memories funnel into him again, swirling and spiralling until they brand his brain in lives of so long ago, of when his love for Shintaro wasn’t twisted beyond recognition. He screams loudly and Shintaro retreats far away from him, as if terrified by the sight of Haruka breaking down before him. 

He writhes in pain as the life drains out of him, and desperately the vampire reaches towards Shintaro, as if his warmth would breathe life back into him.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ac verse;

There are the ones where he lives on through his otherselves after his original body dies. 

He dies first in pain and suffering, rasping for breath and clutching his heart as the world fades out around him. The technology was too primitive to perserve him, and Haruka bites his lip, glad at least Shintaro didn’t see him when he died this time without him.

When he wakes up again he finds himself in Konoha’s body, moving boxes and lugging tools from one place to another. No one gives him any mind nor pays attention to him, and he has a hard time pretending that he is, in fact, the person they see as his ‘brother’. It’s hard but it’s a little easier to move around without the tight feeling in his chest whenever he tries to strain himself. Out of the corner of his eyes he sees Shintaro sometimes, skirting by the tent that used to be his quarters before Shintaro disappears all together. He lingers, though, and barely looks at Haruka, but Haruka observes. More and more Shintaro and starts showing up with broken arms and bruised lips, and Haruka (now Konoha) finds himself racked with worry, but unable to confront the younger without a blade pressed to his throat.

He thinks, what would happen if he died? Then he decides against it, and goes back to being the dimwit he’s supposed to be. He has to live a little longer to watch over Shintaro a little more.

Sometime later he finds the residue of himself making home in Kuroha’s mind as Shintaro shrivels up beneath him in pain. Haruka touches Shintaro’s cheeks, stroking his shoulders and collarbones, hands running up and down his body in all the ways that his original body could not. Yet, for some reason, Shintaro is scared, trembling and shaking as Kuroha’s hands barely touch his body.

Haruka bites his lip. It’s really quite a shame that Shintaro is more scared of Kuroha than he loves him. It’s not like he could actually take over Kuroha’s body though, the effect of the piece of Eden was too strong in Kuroha’s mind, and his own influence more a remnant of the mind that Kuroha lost than possessed any longer.

There’s a time when Haruka finally gains control long enough as Kuroha is disoriented by the apple, hands gripped all too tightly against the blade of the knife, pulling it towards his neck despite Shintaro’s whines. Kuroha pushes back against him in their little shared mindspace, and pushes even further against Haruka’s brief moments of control. He complains and whines about not living long enough and wanting to go little longer because he simply hasn’t had enough of being alive yet.

“Because,” argues Kuroha inside his head, “Why should you have all the fun when all of us love him the same?”

And it’s true, none of them have lived long enough for anything to happen in this world, but this empty, shitty life has gone on long enough and all the memories only tell him that the longer they stay alive like this, the worse everything would be when Kuroha really lost it.

So Haruka pulls himself together to control the body a little more and tugs Shintaro’s blade against his throat, to draw the first slivers of blood. Shintaro is crying, frantic as he begs Kuroha not to do this, not to kill himself, and that he doesn’t want to leave.

“Sorry,” Haruka mouths, the tears blurring his vision, “I’ll be more careful.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> edo japan au!

For Shintaro, five leaves the taste of bile in his mouth. He remembers doing things that he wishes he could forget, the taste of a hundred different men in his mouth, and the way he’s memorized the groove and curve of hipbones on people whose faces he’ll never see again. 

Yoshiwara is a steady stream of people that Shintaro despises, except for that one quiet calligraphy artist who’s too busy stumbling over his words to understand the concept of someone making him feel good in ways he couldn’t possibly imagine. “I’ll pay you if you just… stay and talk to me,” He stutters, never looking up from his hands, with his face burning.

It’s the strangest request he’s ever had, and considering where he works, is saying something. He scoots a little to the calligraphy artist (whose name is Haruka, he later learns,) until their shoulders bump together and listens to his words, and watches his strokes decorate the blank papyrus, and Haruka blushes, laughing nervously as he takes Shintaro’s hand for the first time. Then Shintaro kisses him, closing the distance and lacing his fingers through the gaps between Haruka’s own.

The shop manager always tells him to stay distanced from his customers, that personal attachment would make things harder for him to bankrupt the clients with the astronomically high costs for one night with the star of the shop. Shintaro’s had no problem with keeping to that, especially when half the money went to Momo’s tuition towards actual geisha training. He didn’t mind swallowing his ego if it meant Momo didn’t have to do the same thing.  
He always has trouble when it comes to bankrupting Haruka. Haruka’s eyes crinkle when he laughs, and the light in his eyes is enough to pull Shintaro six feet under right then and there, but he can’t fall in love, he swears on his life. Luckily enough, Haruka leaves for school somewhere else before Shintaro has a chance to figure out what Haruka thinks of him in return.

But then the shop he works at closes down due to lack of funds or a crime or something (he’s never told), and he’s out of a job. Momo’s all the way in Kyoto and he can’t even scrounge up the money to send her a letter. Shintaro curls up in himself, but he thinks it’s worth it, freezing to death in the shade of an alleyway, because he’s managed to fund most of Momo’s training. One day he’ll get to see his sister all dressed up and elegant, dancing for only those who were worthy to see her.

Sometimes he wonders if she even knows what he’s doing for her, working himself to skin and bone and digging his nails into the dirt just to survive. The thought never lasts for too long, considering how the growl in stomach eats at him from the inside and how his lungs threaten to give out at any given moment in the frigid winter air.

Five is revolting in ways Shintaro can’t even attempt to describe, but he thinks it’s worth it to see Haruka again. One day Haruka returns to Yoshiwara, a parasol in his hands to protect him from the snow, and a bundle of papers under his arm. Shintaro does not attempt to hail him down. It’s by some unlucky chance that their eyes meet, and Haruka’s face contorts with horror.

For Shintaro, his fifth life is worth the pain, the frostbite and the constant short of breath when he sees Haruka’s face, the only beacon on warmth on that snowy day, go wide in shock. The look doesn’t stay long before melting into worry. The umbrella is thrown behind him and the papers ignored as Haruka rushes towards the former courtesan, trampling over pedestrians in his attempt to reach Shintaro. In response, Shintaro only smiles and pouts his lips together to blow Haruka a kiss before his time expires.

 

Five, Shintaro decides, is much too white.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> annnd pirates,

The sixth ends with them standing on a pirate ship that looks like something out of 1800s Europe. Both of them are decked out in jewels and frills and the tri-cone hats that breeze in the wind. The pirate with cold, black eyes draws his weapon; a silver foil that looks like it would snap if he weren’t careful with it. ‘Haruka’ stands on his opposite side, his cutlass drawn confidently in his arms. Shintaro’s gaze is impassive and melancholic, darkness awash his face. His own, judging by the tug of his lips across his lips, must be nothing short of absolute assurance.

Something feels weird, though. He’s feeling out of place in this setting, and the disorientation accomplishes its effect. Shintaro knocks his cutlass out of his hands with just a few quick strokes that he can’t respond in time to. His weapon clatters to the ground, and Shintaro brings his boot upon it with a sharp clang. Around him, his crew clamour for their captain, for ‘Haruka’, and the name they call, he suddenly realizes, is not his own.

It’s not the fact that their names are different or society is something unfamiliar, but the fact that some facet of his original identity, ‘Haruka Kokonose’, doesn’t exist in his world, and the privateer that exists to share his existence is a construction of his other selves. The names are different, the places are unfamiliar, and though he’s supposedly lived in this world on the seas his entire life, he can’t recall any of that now. He laughs bitterly, cursing out words in a language that he’s long forgotten, stumbling back until he’s backed against the railing.

Shintaro’s foil is underneath his throat, against his Adam’s apple. ‘Haruka’ doesn’t even bother to look scared. After all, he knows when he’s been beaten, and he knows this pirate standing in front of him better than anyone else. There’s no way Shintaro is sparing him now. He can’t do much but accept his own fate, even as his crew screams for him to fight back.

The other sneers, “Pathetic,” he mutters, pushing the foil into his chest. The clamour of his crew around him, those still surviving, cry out for their fatally injured captain. It’s rather bothersome, but Haruka can’t dismantle the idea that this entire existence is a dream. Desperately, his yellow eyes search for some sort of anchor before the world fades out, because it won’t be long now before he goes.

Shintaro is looking down at him coldly a few steps away, one foot still stepping on the metal of ‘Haruka’s’ blade, and the other still holding up his blade. 

“Any last words?”

“Just three,” he says quietly, smiling as he fumbles his away along the railings. Shintaro follows him quietly, his boots not even making noise. Haruka’s glance shifts to the sea beneath him for a short, split second, and his attentions return to Shintaro, “I love you.”

Then, without waiting for Shintaro to comprehend those words he just said, Haruka leans backwards and pushes himself off the ship entirely, falling into the ocean beneath him. Before the waves swallow his body, he’s surprised to see Shintaro reach over the side of the ship, screaming and reaching for him even though there’s no way up anymore. Instead of responding, Haruka just closes his eyes and smiles.

Unexpectedly, someone’s arms wrap around him just before they land in the water together. Haruka opens his eyes, gasping and gulping water. He catches what he wants to see, Shintaro’s eyes closed with tears, and holding on to him like he’s the only in this world that he doesn’t want to lose. 

Then they hit the water.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> suicide and blood rolled into one, oh boy! this is actually a new chapter that i didn't post on tumblr haha.

Then there are the timelines where they kill each other, where Haruka has his gun at Shintaro’s temple and where Shintaro’s digging his fingers deeper into Haruka’s wound and they are at an impasse and breathing heavy against each other.

Shintaro’s breathing is uneven, and Haruka trembles in his hands, breathing and rasping for air even though he doesn’t want to live for much longer. A few more moments with Shintaro should be enough, until he can finally summon up the courage to pull the trigger.

It never really matters how they end up in this situation, because it always plays out the same. Shintaro will kiss Haruka, mumbling soft “I love yous” through his teeth and Haruka can only mouth the words back before the blood seeps through his teeth even though he feels the same. 

They’ll count down too, against their each other, and keeping time by the slow and shallow breaths that Haruka makes against Shintaro’s harried, panting breaths before they kiss again. Haruka will stumble, trying to find the trigger and having his entire hand shake uncontrollably, almost dropping the gun to the ground. Then Shintaro will grab his hand, removing them from the neck wound and forgetting, every time, that he’s the only thing holding Haruka together.

So Haruka bleeds out, closing his eyes, but Shintaro is the last thing he sees. So it’s fine, everything is fine. His hand drops down from Shintaro’s cheek, and splashes against the puddle of blood pooled at his side. Shintaro doesn’t scream, not even with all the memories of his past lives in his head repeating.

It’s unfair, and that’s the only goddamn rationality Shintaro has for all of this. They can only love each other when they’re dead and in the grave, and even then, for how long before they are reincarnated? When will it be the last time? He’s grateful to exist alongside Haruka, even when they can’t love each other when they are alive.

But even when Shintaro lives for longer, he doesn’t want to do it alone, because he remembers, and remembering always means he has to die, even if it’s not by his own volition. It never really matters which one of them is in which position, or who’s killing who, because they’re both be dead in the end, but they’ll be dead together, for a short period of time. It’s the same story, over and over and over again.

Yet Shintaro finds himself fearful for that time they really won’t see each other again, and he doesn’t want that to happen. The matter at hand is sensitive, however, and Shintaro would much prefer to die by his own volition than have whichever tails they had to kill him.

Shintaro grits his teeth, pressing his hand against Haruka’s. Then, he lies down in the puddle of blood, feeling it seep through his nice suit jacket and clothes, and reaches out to hold Haruka’s hand, the one that isn’t holding the gun. Finally, inhales, and pulls the trigger.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ME?? FINISHING SOMETHING THAT'S NOT A ONESHOT????? BLASPHEMY.
> 
> I'll let your interpretations run wild with this last chapter.

The light filters through the crack in their shades, and Shintaro’s face scrunches in recognition. Finally, after realizing he can’t get rid of it, he opens his eyes and finds himself tangled with a body he does not recognize, not immediately.

Slowly, he extricates them, even though the other complaints, mumbling something about “Negima.” His immediate reaction is to freak out, but he doesn’t, because as his vision comes full circle, realizes it’s his lovely boyfriend. He is in their bed, in the apartment. It’s nine in the morning. He runs a search through his head. It’s Saturday. He should sleep some more before the alarm goes off at eleven and he has to make breakfast.

When he tries to close his eyes, he finds that he doesn’t feel sleepy at all. Instead the agitation fills his veins, and Shintaro lets out a soft groan, settling for staring at his boyfriend’s sleeping face instead. The sleeping one doesn’t take Shintaro’s attempts to extricate him very well, and immediately latches against him again. 

Shintaro sighs, but that’s how it’s always been. He pulls the blankets against them to the best of his abilities. What a blanket hog, but it’s fine because his sleeping face is so cute that Shintaro feels his heart skip a beat just staring at it. 

Between his legs, his boyfriend moves, and then his eyes blink open but still heavy with sleep. The soft, “Mmm…” comes from underneath, and Shintaro has to move his arms for easier navigation.

“Sorry Haruka,” Shintaro presses their foreheads together. Haruka is warm, probably from the blankets, “Did I wake you?”

Gladly reciprocating, Haruka presses a soft kiss against Shintaro’s lips. Instead, he shakes his head against Shintaro’s arm. “I had a nightmare,” Haruka shifts again, leaning against his chest, “That we were separated and could only remember each other as we died.”

“That’s-” Shintaro opens his mouth, but stops short when he can come up with no explanation to assuage Haruka’s fears. The words leaving Haruka’s mouth are giving him a headache, not because of the nightmares, but because he feels something similar inside him, like he’s forgot something extremely important. His heart pounds, and he's short of breath.

“I’m sorry, it’s silly.” Haruka says again, trying to make himself comfortable and smiling into Shintaro’s face. Shintaro sighs again.

“It’s not silly. Tell me everything about what you remember.” He squeezes Haruka’s hand.

“Are you sure? I mean-”

“I’m sure. Anything you want to share.”

Haruka's worried expression does not fade, but he heeds Shintaro's request. He launches into a treatise about every lifetime they’ve ever shared together, and Shintaro’s head hurts so much it could split into pieces for every timeline they ever had to die in order to remember each their love for each other. There are memories, too many where Haruka's died in his arms. He remembers all the times Haruka’s bloods have stained his hands, and all the times he’s stained Haruka with his. There are worlds that are not earth, and settings that could only exist in stories. 

"Shintaro, you're squeezing too tight." 

"S-sorry-"

When Haruka finishes his story of vivid detail, Shintaro swallows. He has no response, but there are tears streaming down his cheeks, and Haruka’s face twists in worry. Instead, Shintaro’s presses Haruka’s hand against his cheek.

“We should make breakfast.” Shintaro says, finally snaking his arms around Haruka’s body. Haruka is soft and precious and so vibrant with life that Shintaro doesn’t know how to deal with the fact that in his hands, Haruka lives, not dies. He can hear Haruka’s heart thump against his chest when they are close together, and the tears streaming down his cheeks are silent.

“We should,” Haruka whispers in response, closing his eyes and shifting himself again so he’s not too much of a burden on Shintaro, “Just the two of us." 

Neither of them make gestures to move.

The clock on their bed post ticks on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> how do you end a 25 lives fic with sadness tbh
> 
> fist of all how dare you and second of all how could you.


End file.
